The Shadow of Regrets.
Colin sat in his quiet and dimly
lit room, the textbooks surround him in a way that the books have not been
touched for months. The thick noise of Kerema Compund in Madang was a severe
contrast to a busy life he had once known as a medical student. Kerema Compound
is a place with a lot of issues and criminal things going on, but Colin always
seemed to surpass that by enjoying his own company in his room locked away from
all the noise of reality. Now at 24, he
was a mere shadow of himself, a young man haunted by his regrets of the
academic life he had experienced few months back when he was still drooling in
the department of Medicine and Health Science. He sat next to his bed thinking
about the choices he made, which left him in regrets of the things he should’ve
done when he still had the chance. Colin had always been the quiet one and a
very observant person who prefers the books for company over people. Growing up
in a tough community, he learned early to observe the surrounding environment
rather to participate in it. He has a tall and slim figure with a lighter skin
tone that outstand his male beauty, but Colin had never desire attention for
himself. Instead, he desires attention from the comfort of his own room instead
of socializing, where he could let his thoughts linger on the expectations that
weighed on his shoulders.
He had faced his downfall in his
second year at the University of Divine Word. The pressure of his assignments
and projects and the demanding nature of his Medical course pulled him down
both mentally and physically. His grades slipped, and with each failing exam,
he had lost confidence in himself and his studies. After a very tough semester,
he had received a news that would change everything. He was asked to leave
school and stay at home for until further notice. As the words echoed in his
head he could not process the information with mental pain and heavy heart.
As days turned his misery into
weeks and months, his isolation became very serious for someone his age. He
became trapped in his room staring at the wall, finding comfort from the
pictures on the wall and staring at his old medical books and the diaries that
kept a lot of his academic records and experiences, not wanting to be read or
looked at any time soon. All the excitement of achieving his degree as a
successful doctor crashed through the depths of his painful thoughts knowing
that the Medical dream that he once had, have become the fantasy that he held
for months. He chose his room as his personal prison in exile of his emotions
fueled by shame and regrets. Even with the despair, Colin still have hope
somewhere behind his regrets.
As the sun sat slowly behind his
room with a beautiful mixture of orange and purple texture painting the sky
with pretty view. Colin was mesmerized by the sun and its beauty so he decided
to take a walk outside. The afternoon breeze took a sip of his soft skin giving
him the afternoon shivers that uplift his moods and gave him a refreshing
freshness of his deep thoughts that have been nothing but mental pain to him.
He wandered through the Compound that he had left abandoned for months since
the day he was sent home from school. He felt a sense of belonging as he
approached the noise that had got him wonder while he was assessing the place
that he had walked past. He saw some kids playing volleyball while some young
adults by his age dribbling the soccer ball while aiming for a goal. He stood
by the sideline wondering about the smiles and the laughter the kids gave while
enjoying themselves with the games that they played. It was a reminder that
life continued, even if he felt stuck with his regrets. As he left the field
and continued walking, he encountered a group of young people gathered around a
fire, cracking jokes and their laughter filled the night with happiness but
Colin stood aside thinking of going back to his room because he was too afraid
to intrude on their conversations. To his surprise he felt the hesitation to
leave, but something tells him to step out of his misery and comfort zone and
do something for himself for happiness and to be happy again. Yet he stood in
the dark longing to approach them with thoughts fighting to say hi or even want
them to notice his presence. One of his own neighbor noticed him and waved at
him to come over to them. ‘’Hi Colin! Come take a seat and join us!’’ the
neighbor shouted with a warm and welcoming smile. At first Colin’s heart raised
and he took a step back into the dark in hesitation but yet took a deep breath
and approached them with a shy and hesitant smile and said ‘’thanks for
inviting me to sit with you people’’. The circle of friends moved apart
creating space for Colin as he sat down close to them wanting to be part of the
conversations. They shared stories and laughter with the warmth of the fire as
the night lingers on their shoulders with chills of happiness. At that moment
Colin realized that he wasn’t alone, he shared regrets and spoke of his
failures and the weight of his misery and academic challenges.
The next day, Colin woke up with
a sense of relief and the eagerness to make changes for himself as he realized
that it is okay to seek support and comfort from others and that everyone faced
their own battles in life. He set a goal to fix his room and give light to his
room again and also to seek friends during afternoons and to make his existence
known to the nature of his surroundings. He started doing extra readings on his
old Medical notes and learning medical terms by heart not for the grades but to
get his thoughts back on track from where he had left off while in misery. The
shadow of his regrets may have lingered with him, but they no longer have
control over him. As he made changes for himself, he had realized that taking a
time off academic stress is not a mistake but a challenge that he had to go
through to realize the true nature of being a fighter. Colin is now content
with his situation and he is ready to embrace the journey ahead, one step at a
time.
The End!
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